We Interrupt This Broadcast to Bring You a Message from On High

FIRST: THE BACKGROUND

After praying, fasting, praying some more and doing all manner of soul-searching about what direction to take my life in after getting laid off, I got a very clear answer. Actually I got very clear ANSWERS, plural, because, frankly, I didn't like the answer I got, so I had to keep getting it.

Basically, the Lord is all, "Chill with the worries about finding a new job. Focus on your kids and supporting your husband and let him take care of providing the income." And I'm like, "But Lord, can he pay my bills? Pay my credit card bills? Pay my automo-bills?"

I'm not trying to be disrespectful, it's just hard to ... relax. I've always worked; brought in some sort of income. And my entire childhood, my mom always worked. It's just what I know.

So in true Crystal fashion, I half followed the directions and half did whatever I pleased. I was able to track down a job writing articles online. The pay is crap. Like crap crap. But some money is better than no money, right? And it's something I could do from home, in my spare time, etc. etc. Except I hadn't even started the job and I was already getting stressed about it.

I thought about this blog and how much I enjoy adding new entries. And how much I WOULDN'T enjoy doing this online writing job. And then I thought about working on that book idea I have and my heart got all fluttery with anticipation.

I reminded myself: "Crystal, you're not allowed to dream or hope. You are only allowed to take care of your family. Your joy will not come from personal accomplishments or through achieving selfish dreams. You will only take joy in the diaper changes and dirty dishes and snotty noses and the CHILDREN. You WILL LIVE FOR YOUR CHILDREN."

But is living only for my children healthy? Because when they're grown and gone, what am I supposed to do? Stalk them on Facebook? Call them incessantly so I feel like I still matter? Beg them to continue living at home, in the basement, so I won't be left alone to ponder my now meaningless life?

So I did something I am loathe to do. I prayed.

It's not that I don't LIKE praying. It's more that I don't like bugging the Lord. I know everyone says He WANTS to hear from his children and I get that on an intellectual level. But for me, on a personal level, I just feel like, if I'm not praying for someone else, asking for something major or just saying "thank you," it's best to handle my bidness on my own.

But this one time, I decided to say a selfish prayer.

I asked the Lord to help me decide - do this online job? Keep looking for other opportunities? Write my book? WHAT SHOULD I DO!? TEEEELLLL MEEEEE!

And then I went to bed.

SECOND: THE MESSAGE

That night, I had the craziest dream. There was a whole lotta stuff I won't write in this blog because it's weird and hard to explain (but not kinky - get your mind out of the gutter).

Toward the end, there was this big football game happening that everyone was really into and excited about.

A bunch of Tongans were on the team and one, the quarterback, was an especially big deal. So I gathered my family and went to a church full of Tongans so we could watch the game on large screens. As I sat in the audience, I lamented to Scott that I worried my own children would never be as "special" as the quarterback that everyone so loved. I worried Griffin would never do anything exceptional in his life; would never be as talented.

Scott turned to me and, in a voice not quite his, said, "The potential comes not from each person's individual gift, but in their development of it. Where they end up, what they become -- is up to each child. Not the parent."

AND BAM. I woke up right in that instant. My chest was on fire and my mind was reeling. I knew I'd just been given an answer to my prayer.

But what the heck did it mean?

I'm sure if the same words had been spoken to someone else, they'd interpret it differently. But isn't that how it always is?

Here's what the message meant to me:

I've always been afraid to reach for my big dreams. I feel like there are only so many people in the world who have REAL talent, who get the big prize, so to speak. Who am I to think I'd be one of the special ones? And if I'm not, then all my efforts would be in vain. So why even try, no matter how much I want to?

But the first sentence: "The potential comes not from each person's individual gift..." This makes me think maybe there is no scarcity of talents or opportunities. Maybe EVERY SINGLE ONE OF US has been given an "individual gift."

So it's not about what gift you've been given. The potential for success is not about who gets lucky  or wins the genetic jackpot (though there are those who get lucky and/or win the genetic jackpot). The potential comes from those who recognize and develop their gifts. I think recognizing the gift is almost as hard as developing it because it requires us to bet on ourselves.

And that last part? About how it's up to the child? Basically it's totally up to me. I can write for this online company or I can take a shot with my book or I can do nothing but play with my kids all day and watch my DVR at night. It's totally my choice. The Lord isn't going to make the decision or do the work for me. He's not going to send down a bolt of inspiration that will cause me to write the GREAT AMERICAN NOVEL in a single burst of energy.

And it's a choice, if I make it, that I will have to keep making. Every time I doubt myself, or hit a roadblock or get knocked down -- I will have to decide to get back up.

So yeah. All that from three little sentences in a dream.

THIRD: THE CHOICE

By the end of the day, I was already doubting my dream and its message. Maybe it was all in my head or not what it seemed. If I hadn't written down the exact wording as soon as I woke up, I would've forgotten it by now. And even now, the only thing helping me write this blog is the memory of my certainty, not the certainty itself.

So what am I going to do? Take the safe road and find contentment there? Or take a risk and see what I can make of myself?

Only time will tell.

Me at the annual LDStorymakers Conference, where writers go to learn their craft.

(Just kidding. I've already finished plotting my next book and am working on the first draft. Can I get a "YEEHAW!" for living our dreams?)